Don’t get me wrong, you need to be able to code! But your career advancement and life happiness depend on your relationships with others much more than how good of a coder you are.
Edit: I posted about this topic on Reddit today, and it has seen quite a bit of conversation. Check out the comments there to hear people’s opinions/experiences!
It’s no secret that software developers have a reputation for being awkward and introverted.
I’m here to tell you there’s nothing wrong with that!
You don’t need to change your personality or force yourself to be outgoing in order to be successful. In fact, quirky, obsessive, or highly logical personalities often make the best engineers.
However, even if you’re the greatest engineer of all time you’ll still need to work with others, forge relationships with mentors, interview for jobs, and build your network. Unfortunately, this is where many great developers struggle. As a result of poor social skills, they see opportunities pass them by.
In this guide, I’ll make the case for why social skills are more important than technical skills on the road to building a great career as a software developer.
This is a more common problem than you think
Working in NYC, I talk to a lot of engineers who are frustrated with their social standing. They say things like:
- “I feel like everyone is busier than me all the time.”
- “After work, I just go home and watch YouTube, browse Reddit, and play video games. I don’t really get invitations to go out.”
- “I alternate between wanting to be invisible and wishing I weren’t so lonely.”
- “I hate small talk. Why can’t we just cut the BS?”
- “Being alone is beginning to take a toll on me.”
Personally, I know firsthand the pain and awkwardness of having a conversation stall, not knowing what to say next, and sheepishly shuffling away.
I’ve seen the confusion and misunderstandings that result from a poorly worded comment or email. Often, they leave the entire team uncomfortable or on edge, and it can be difficult to rebuild trust and connection afterward.
Worse still, are the interviews that never receive a callback. The requests for mentorship that go rebuffed. Or, the texts to hang out that go unanswered.
Everyone has experienced social awkwardness, anxiety, and failures at some point. But for many developers and highly-logical personalities it can be difficult to diagnose what’s going wrong.
The picture of perfection
When developers get passed over for these opportunities, they start to think it’s a problem with what they have to offer.
They look at the top engineers and think they don’t know enough. So, they invest more time in learning increasingly obscure coding practices, drilling technical problems on LeetCode, or trying out new languages/frameworks.
Or, they look at social media and advertising where muscle-strapped models seem to live the perfect life. Some guys try to compensate for a lack of social skills by building that life. They go to the gym more, buy expensive clothes, or get a new haircut thinking that muscles, possessions, or physical appearance are the keys to career success.
Technical skills, physique, and appearance are all great to work on. But they won’t solve the core problem.
To put it in startup terms: increasing your product quality will not fix your marketing problem.
Marketing > Product Quality
Think of the iPhone. At this point, there are several phones on the market that are comparable to the latest iPhone in terms of hardware.
However, those phones don’t have people queuing up down the street, camping over night to get the latest model in the same way the iPhone does.
Apple became a trillion dollar company on the back of great marketing.
To be clear, the product quality has to be good, too. But Apple sells more iPhones because of the brand they’ve built than the technical specifications of their hardware.
Or another example: Are there better singers in the world than Beyonce?
Sure! Someone somewhere can sing better than Beyonce. She’s great, but what makes her a superstar is the marketing. She has the connections, social sphere, and following that make her a mega-brand.
Being a great singer alone doesn’t guarantee you Beyonce-level success. You have to have marketing.
“If you build it, they will come”
In the same way, if you want to build an awesome career, social circle, romantic relationship, family life, whatever — you need to know how to market yourself and build connections.
Many developers have the “if you build it, they will come” mindset. They believe that improving their technical skills will lead to promotions, raises, new jobs, mentorship, and success.
It’s jarring, painful, and frustrating when that plan doesn’t work out.
Increasing your personal product quality doesn’t guarantee success. You’ll need to work to connect with others to build a great career.
Your social network is how you get referrals to new jobs, great performance reviews that lead to promotions, clear communication that leads to happy clients, job satisfaction from working with teammates you like, and more.
Getting the most out of your career
I’ve spent a lot of time hammering on this point. Forgive me if it feels belabored, but hopefully I’ve convinced you that technical skills alone won’t get you where you want to go in your coding career.
Instead, to move into leadership positions or work at cool companies, you’ll need social skills. There’s a reason why most job interviews include a culture fit assessment.
Even if you don’t want leadership positions or a new job, humans are social animals. Having good relationships with your coworkers, friends, etc is critical to leading a happy life.
Mindset shift
A helpful mindset is instead of being a chore or a task to accomplish, being social should just be an ordinary part of life.
When you approach a conversation with a task, objective, or inflexible opinion, you’re not open to the possibilities that conversation might hold. Moreover, you’ll find that if you’re trying to get or accomplish something with your conversations, people will be able to sense it. Your neediness or pushiness will drive people away.
Instead, simply being open and interested with no agenda will get you a long way in conversation. Keep things positive and fun. Empathize with people’s stories and issues.
Just this simple reframe will go a long way.
It’s simple, but it’s not easy
I’m with you, being social is hard. I would be much more comfortable at home reading or watching Netflix. Anybody who tells you that you should just “put yourself out there!” isn’t really helping.
That said, I hope this article gives you a new mental frame to think about being social. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be consistent and consciously working on improving.
If you found this article helpful, please let me know in the comments below or via email — hello@bennettgarner.com
Would you like to read more social skills advice for software developers? Let me know what you want to hear about!
About Bennett
I’m a web developer building things with Python and JavaScript.
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